I think I died a long time ago.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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