Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
