Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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