He disabled his match.com account in front of me
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
