i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
