please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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