I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
