pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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