***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
