the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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