i permit you to call me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
