It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
