They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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