so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
