why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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