: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
