Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
