Just cropdusted the office
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
