Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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