Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Is it because I queefed?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
