hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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