i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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