We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
