come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Randomize
