i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Randomize
