guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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