So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
