just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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