I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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