On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
