It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
