im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
