Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
