can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
