Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
