4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
