does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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