the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
