Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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