He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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