The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
