last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
