this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
