the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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