dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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