If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
