Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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