I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
