If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
