the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
