His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
