So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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